Son Coding
"It worked! It worked!" my son screamed with joy from his room.
I'm teaching him to code Rust and left him alone to solve a problem.
Me: "Son, that feeling you had never goes away for as long as you code."
This is why programmers love to code.
He's now yelling "It's not working now. This makes no sense!." Me: "Son, this feeling never goes away for as long as you code."
When he fixed it again. Me: "Sorry, the customer does not need the feature anymore. You should scrap everything. This feeling of throwing away a lot of time on something completely useless also never goes away for as long as you code."
Boom
- If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced
- BOOM
A woman approaches a cardinal
Asking him “Father, forgive me for disturbing you. But do you perform burial services?”
The Cardinal calmly answers “Yes my child, of course. It is our duty to perform and help with these arrangements. May I know what the relationship of the deceased to you is?”
The woman, pleased, responds “My poor dog Bucky has just passed away. And I would like for him to be buried properly.”
The Cardinal, offended says “A burial for a dog? Me? You should go to the Church of England, I’m sure they can accommodate you.”
“Are they expensive?” The woman asks
“No I shouldn’t think so, why?”
“Do you think 5,000 USD will be enough to cover the costs?”
The cardinal, without hesitation, responds “My dear child, come, you didn’t tell me your dog was a catholic!”
Library and Burger
A man walked into a library and says “i’ll have a burger and fries, please.” The librarian looked at him and said “sir, this is a library.” The man whispered back, “oh sorry, i’ll have a burger and fries please.”
Oooo i like ya accent, where you from? I am Liberian 🇱🇷 Oh, my bad... i like ya accent where you from
Drunk gets baptized
Local church is doing a riverside baptism. There is a pretty long line of people waiting to be baptized by the river.
A wandering drunk man sees the line, doesn't know what's going on but decides to join in.
When it is the drunk man's turn, he goes into the river and the preacher grabs him, holds the drunk's nose, takes him under the water, brings him back up and says to the drunk man "Have you found Jesus?"
Drunk man says "no"
Preacher gets a puzzled look on his face, grabs the drunk man and takes him under again, holding him down a few more seconds, brings him back up and says a little more forcefully "Have you found Jesus??"
Drunk man says "Nope"
Preacher is really flustered now, grabs the drunk and really pulls him under the water, keeps him under for a long time, finally pulls him up and screams at the drunk "HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?!?"
Drunk man is spitting and sputtering, gasping for air and when he gets his breath replies to the preacher "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
drove pasta
My mother bet me $20 that I couldn’t make a car out of Spaghetti You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta (drove past her) …
Blonde and hot dog
A blonde walks into a confessional booth and orders a hot dog
The priest says to her, “my child I believe you are mistaken. This is confessions, what you’re looking for is concessions”.
A blonde walks into a confessional booth, settling into the seat like it’s a drive-thru window. “Hi! I’ll have a jumbo hot dog with extra mustard, a large Coke, and...” she squints at the wooden lattice, “...is that decorative screen menu hard to read on purpose?”
The priest clears his throat, “My child, this is a confessional, not concessions.”
“Oh! That explains the weird service I’ve been getting around here. Last week, I tried ordering nachos from the choir stand, and they just kept singing ‘Hallelujah’ at me. I thought it was some fancy new way of saying ‘extra cheese.’”
The priest stifles a laugh, “Perhaps you’re confusing church with the cinema?”
“Wait... so THAT’S why that man in the long robe wasn’t actually a Star Wars fan? I spent twenty minutes asking him if his costume was from The Mandalorian!” She pauses thoughtfully. “And I guess that explains why the holy water dispenser didn’t give me any Sprite, and why everyone looked at me funny when I tried to butter my communion wafer.”
The priest can’t help but chuckle, “Those are hosts, not popcorn, dear.”
“Well, that would explain the weird taste. And why that wine sample was so small – I kept waiting for the sommelier to come back with the rest of the bottle.” She sighs. “No wonder the guy with the incense burner got so upset when I asked if they had any other scented popcorn options besides ‘Ancient Church.’”
The priest, now thoroughly amused, adds, “And I assume you thought the collection plate was for tip sharing?”
“Actually, I thought it was one of those ‘pay-what-you-want’ artisanal food trucks! I even left a Yelp review: ‘Weird theater experience. Food portions tiny, but the special effects with the smoke and candles were amazing. Staff a bit overdressed. Confusing plot, but the crowd participation was great. Three stars.’”
The priest loses his composure entirely, “My child, perhaps while you’re here, you’d like to confess to the sin of mixing up every religious institution in the city with food service establishments?”
“Well, Father... now that you mention it, I did try to order a pizza from the Buddhist temple last month. In my defense, I thought their meditation gong was one of those fancy dinner bells, and the bald guys in orange were just having a really committed uniform day.”
“I think your penance should be a crash course in religious architecture,” the priest suggests, holding back laughter.
“Does it come with snacks?” she asks hopefully. “Because I’m still really craving that hot dog.”
“No, but the actual concession stand is right across the street.”
“Ohhh... THAT explains why the guy at the hot dog cart kept refusing to hear my confession! I thought he was just really committed to separation of church and street food.”
Urine Luck
Ancient witch doctors believed that being peed on by your partner can bring you both great fortune. So any golden shower fetishists out there… Urine luck
New Year Wish
May the new year bring you the girlfriends your wife thinks you have, the money your children think you have, the beauty your mum thinks you have and the size of dick you say you have!
I don’t have the energy to disappoint all the women she thinks I’m cheating on her with
I don’t have the energy, nor the beauty, nor the money to disappoint with my dick size all the girlfriends my wife thinks I have.
Good Employees
My boss asked me: "Why are you always hiding in the office?" I replied: "Because good employees are hard to find!"
I was working from home and my daughter walked in during a Zoom meeting. "I'm disappointed", she cried. "Nobody's dressed up!" "what do you mean?" "You told me you worked with a bunch of clowns"
Pasture vs Past
I told my daughter, "go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She asked, "what's that got to do with anything?" I said, "that means it's pasture bedtime."
I'm a dog
A man goes to a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What can I do for you?" Man says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I think I'm a dog. I howl at the moon. I bark at squirrels. I scratch fleas. I even drink water from a bowl on the floor."
The psychiatrist strokes his beard a moment and says, "Well, hop up on the couch and we'll talk about it."
Man replies, "Oooooh, I'm not allowed to be on the couch."
Dr. asks: "How long have you had these symtoms?" Since I was a puppy!
Man to Woman
My friend had a surgery to transition from a man to a woman. I asked "of all the things they cut, what hurt the most?" "The salary", they said.
At the interview they offered me a salary of $20,000 to work there. I told them to add two 0's at the end and they have a deal. Now I make $20,000.00
Blacksmith and Forge
Never trust a blacksmith. All of their work is forged.
The Oldest Computer
The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 'byte' and everything crashed.
Junior dev and 10yr experience
When recruiter wants to hire a junior developer with 10 years of experience.
Foot fetish
Why does America not use the metric system? Because they have a foot fetish.
An Architect Dog
Dog walks into an employment agency and says in perfect English, "I need a job." Surprised, the receptionist replies, "wow, a real talking dog. You could easily get a job with the circus."
To which the dog inquires, "why would a circus need an architect?"
A Singing Wife
My wife is singing My wife is in the house singing. I’m on the front porch so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.
Bear Arm
I want a tattoo of a grizzly on each of my biceps but my partner objects.
They are infringing on my right to bear arms.
Just don’t get flame tattoos- you won’t be able to fly on commercial airplanes- No fire arms allowed on board!
Fresh Ground Coffee
Waiter, waiter, my coffee tastes like dirt! It’s fresh ground, sir.
What do you expect, it was ground this morning.
Run Like the Wind
A tornado was quickly approaching a small town. A woman decided to take the advice of the tornado warning and flee with her daughter. However, while passing by their neighbors house… they saw a man running in circles. Concerned for their neighbor, the woman called out and asked him what he was doing.
The man replied, “My parents heard about the tornado warning, called me and told me to run like the wind!”