Communist Humor
Red Russian Bread
In Moscow, a bakery opens at 8 a.m., but people start lining up at 6 a.m. At 10, a guard steps out and announces, “There isn’t enough bread for everyone! If you’re not a soldier, go home!” So a lot of people leave.
At 11, the guard returns and says, “Not enough bread for everyone. If you didn’t serve in the Red Army, you’d better head home!” More people drop out of the line. At 1, he adds, “Not enough bread for everyone. If you weren’t in the elite guard, you must leave!”
The guard keeps coming back all afternoon with new rules until, at 5:45, only two old Russian soldiers remain. Finally, at 6, the guard declares, “No bread today—everyone, go home!”
One of the soldiers turns to the other and quips, “Lucky Jew bastards!”
Comrade Stalin Collected Jokes
Journalist asks:
-Comrade Stalin, do you have any hobby?
-I collect jokes about me.
-And how many have you collected so far?
-About two and a half gulags(A system of labor camps maintained in the Soviet Union from 1930 to 1955 in which many people died).
Freedom After Speech
What's the difference between the Austrian constitution and the Czechoslovak constitution? They both secure freedom of speech, but only the Austrian one secures freedom after speech.
Russian Talk
-How are you?
-Average. Worse than last year, better than next year.
Learn Hebrew
Moscow, a policeman sees a Jew holding a Hebrew dictionary.
-Why are you learning Hebrew? You know you can’t leave.
-I’m learning Hebrew so that I can talk to Moses and Abraham when I get to heaven.
-And if you go to hell?
-I already speak Russian.
Western Clocks
Three men talk in a cell about the reasons why they got imprisoned:
-They locked me up because I always got to work late. They accused me of being a western saboteur.
-I got locked up because I always got to work early. They accused me of being a western spy.
-I got locked up because I always got to work on time. They accused me of having western clocks.
Russian Border
What countries does the Russian border? Any country it wants to.