Jokes & Humor

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The King’s Dying Wish Long ago, when ping pong balls were rare and precious, a dying king summoned his three sons. The King was a table tennis fanatic. He said " My dying wish is for you to bring me ping pong balls." The eldest returned a week later with a treasure chest full of them. The king was pleased. The second returned a month later with a whole boxcar of them. The king was overjoyed. Two years passed before the youngest staggered in, battered and worn, carrying only a bulging handkerchief. The king opened it, recoiled, and shouted, “What are these bloody hairy things?!” The prince bowed. “Just as you commanded, Father… King Kong’s balls.”

Husband to wife: "What would you if I won in the lottery?" Wife: "I'll take half and leave you " Husband: "Well, I won $12. Here's six... keep in touch "

I had just made myself a nice cup of tea and sat down when my wife came in, pulled her clothes off and said, "Make love to me right now." So I do her right there on the sofa, having the best sex of my life. After we'd finished, she lay in my arms and said, "Don't forget your cup of tea". "I'll just let it cool down, it's still too hot," I said.

What is a 3 letter word that starts with gas? Car

A young couple are snogging. The young lad asks "Can I have a blow job please?" "No way!" replies his girlfriend. "Why not?" he asks She tells him "You won't respect me afterwards." Three years later they get engaged. After a celebratory meal at a posh restaurant they go back home and he asks "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards." Another three years later they get married. Laid in bed together on their wedding night he asks again "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." she replies "You won't respect me afterwards." Twenty five years later they are sat in bed together. He puts his book onto the bedside cabinet turns to his wife of 25 years and asks "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards." He yells back at her. "Look! I've known you for over thirty years! We've been married twenty five years! We've got two kids, one grandson with another on the way. SURELY by now you must realise just how much respect I have for you!" "Oh OK then." she say "I'll give you a blow job" .. and she does. Ten minutes after she is finished the phone rings. Husband turns to his wife and says "Well answer it then you fucking cocksucker."

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up!

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!