Jokes & Humor

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty-five years of misery is more than enough for anyone." "Wait, Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells, completely shocked. “We just can't stand each other anymore,” the old man says, his voice firm. "I'm tired of looking at her, and I don't want to discuss it. Call your sister and break the news to her," and he hangs up. The son, now in a panic, immediately calls his sister. She explodes, "Like heck they are!". She calls their father right back. "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare do a single thing. We are both flying home first thing tomorrow to sort this out. Do not call a lawyer. Do not file a single paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?" She slams the phone down.

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Their three successful children had all agreed to come over for a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!" gushed son number one, a surgeon. "Sorry I'm running late—I had an emergency at the hospital. You know how it is. I didn’t have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two, a lawyer, arrived next and said, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you." "It’s nothing," said the father. "We're just glad you could be here." Finally, the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello, and Happy Anniversary! I’m really sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything." "Don't fret over it, Sweety," said the father. "Just enjoy the day." After dessert, the father turned to his children and said, "There’s something your mother and I have been meaning to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite that, we were able to send each of you to college. We’ve always loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and said in unison, "You mean we’re all........?" "Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

I told my wife, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, I was in a medical study for erectile dysfunction pills. They didn’t have enough women, so they made us make out with men. I wasn’t happy about it, but hey, I had my pills — I was rock hard and we had amazing sex that night. ”She said, “Okay… so what’s the bad news?” I said, “I was in the placebo group.”

A monk turns 18, and leaves the monastery and goes to town for the very first time. As he's walking down the street a hooker says, "Hey father! How about a little head? Ten bucks." Well, the young monk doesn't know what this means, so he goes scurrying back up to the monastery. He finds one of the nuns and says, "Sister, what's 'head'?" And she says, "Ten bucks, same as downtown."

A lost dog wanders into the jungle. A lion spots him from a distance and thinks, “Huh… never seen one of these before. Looks edible. The lion starts charging. The dog freaks out until he notices some bones nearby. Thinking fast, he blurts out: “Mmm… that was some tasty lion meat!” The lion slams the brakes: “Wait… this little dude eats lions?! Nope, I’m out.” But high up in a tree, a monkey saw the whole thing. He scampers over to the lion and spills the truth, hoping to score points. The lion growls: “Hop on my back. We’ll get him together.” They storm back toward the dog. The dog sees them coming, panics harder… then yells: “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!

A very pregnant woman got on a bus. A young man looked at her and smiled. She felt uncomfortable, so she moved to another seat. He grinned. She moved again. By the fourth time, he started laughing so hard that she called the police. In court, the judge asked why he laughed. The man explained: * “First, she sat under a sign that said *‘The Doublemint Twins Are Coming.’* She looked like she might have twins, so I smiled. * Then she sat under a sign that said *‘Logan’s Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling.’* She had a big belly, so I grinned. * Next, she sat under a sign that said *‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick.’* That made me laugh even more. * Finally, she sat under a sign that said *‘Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident.’* That was too funny, and I lost control.”

A married man tells a gorgeous woman at the supermarket: “I lost my wife… can we talk for a bit?” She says: “Shouldn’t you be looking for her?” He replies: “No need. Every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife shows up instantly.”

A female-to-male trans person goes to the doctor He says "Doc, I don't think these hormones you're giving me are working." "Why do you say that?" asks the doctor. "Well, I'm here, aren't I? Shouldn't I be at home toughing it out by now?"

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “If I show you a wild trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender shrugs, “Sure, why not?” The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out… a tiny rat. Then out of the other pocket, he pulls a teeny-tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues like a rodent Ray Charles. Stunned, the bartender pours him a free drink. After finishing it, the guy says, “Now, if I show you an even better trick, do I drink free all night?” “Buddy, if you can top that, you’re drinking on me till closing,” the bartender replies. The man pulls the rat and piano out again, and this time reaches into his coat and pulls out… a small bullfrog The frog clears his throat and starts belting out soulful blues lyrics. The rat’s playing, the frog’s singing — the bar is dead silent in awe. Suddenly, a man rushes up and says, “I’ll give you $10,000 for that frog!” The guy says, “Nope, not for sale.” “$25,000!” “Nope.” “$50,000! Cash!” “Deal.” The bartender’s jaw drops. “Are you CRAZY? That frog was a gold mine! Why’d you sell him?” The man smirks and says, “Relax. The frog can’t sing... the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked the Enigma Code But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues.

A General Questions a Soldier Asking him, “if you have 20 enemies running at you, what will you do?” “I will take my uzi and I will shoot them down, sir!” He responds “And if you have a tank rolling towards you, what will you do?” “I will take an anti tank launcher and attack it, sir!” “And if you have enemy planes, tanks and soldiers running at you, what will you do?” The soldier, looks at the general confused and asks “General, am I the only soldier in your army?”

When my wife was in labor, the doctor came in and said, “I’ll be the one to deliver your baby.” I said, “No thanks, we’d like him to keep his liver.“

My wife came home from work early yesterday and surprised me. As soon as she walked in the door she saw me and got this passionate crazed look in her eyes. "Take my blouse off" she said, so I unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. "Now my skirt" she commanded. So I undid her skirt and let it fall to the floor. "My bra and panties " she cried, and I removed them too. And as I stood there naked she said "Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

After two weeks stranded on an island, Bob says: “George, neither of us are gay. But if you pretend to be a woman, I’ll return the favor after.” George reluctantly agrees. Ten painful minutes later, he says: “Okay, now it’s my turn.” Bob zips up, looks him in the eye, and says: “Sorry, babe. You know I don’t do that time of the month.”

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin / Assassphyxiator

My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!" "You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that." "Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number?"

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

I named my toilet Jim instead of John. It makes me feel great to say I went to the Jim each morning.

On our weekend anniversary getaway, I told my wife, “You can be on top tonight…all night long if you want. I can handle it.” She looked at our hotel suite and muttered, “I still can’t believe I agreed to bunk beds.”

When my grandad turned 90 he declared he was going to start walking a mile a day for his health He’s 92 now and we have no idea where he is.

Asked my son what he learned in school today. He said “Gay men like Sony. Lesbians favour Yamaha, and transgender people prefer Bose. I knelt down and put my hand on his shoulder and said “Son, those are just stereo types.”

I tried coffee for the first time today. I took my first sip and spit it out. I said to the barista, "this coffee tastes like mud!" He said "It should be. It was ground this morning."

My wife and I are naming our next child Steven with a ph He's called Steven7.5Neutral

My wife said "I want you to undress me, just with your words" Me: "There's a spider in your bra."

Please, before opening your fridge door, always knock first... There could be a salad dressing.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "I can't sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said. "We've got a party going on in here, come in."

Last night I yanked out a couple of nose hairs, just to see if it’d hurt… Judging by how fast my wife woke up screaming... I'm guessing the answer is YES.

One of my students asked, “Mrs. China, is that your real last name?” I replied, “No, it’s actually my Made In name.”

My girl friend got mad at me for sniffing her sister's underwear. I'm not sure if it was because she was still wearing them, or if it was because the entire family was present. Either way, it made the rest of her funeral very awkward.

A greedy old business man was dying, so he called his priest, his lawyer, and his accountant to his bedside. “They say you can’t take it with you, but I am certainly going to try” wheezed the business man. “When I die I want each of you to take one third of my money and throw it into my grave as they are burying me!” The three started to protest, but the business man stated “It’s my money and I will do what I want with it!” The three reluctantly agree. A few days later the man dies. At his funeral the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant do as directed and each throw in a bag of money into the grave just as the coffin is being buried. After the funeral, they start talking as they walk back to their cars. “I have a confession to make” says the priest. “When I thought of all the poor that could be helped by that man’s money, I decided to take a portion of it and donate it to the orphanage.” As long as we are confessing” says the lawyer, “I need an oceanside vacation home, so I too took a handful of that geezer’s cash to use as a down payment.” “Gentlemen, I am ashamed of both of you” replies the accountant. “I will have you know that I threw in a check for the full amount!”

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in." There was a stony silence for a second or two. ''Do you know who you are speaking to?'' ''No,'' said Paddy. ''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.'' ''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy ''No,'' roared the colonel. ''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy and hung up the phone.

Paddy had a reputation for playing around with other people's wives. Paddy, who had a reputation for playing around with other people’s wives, goes to his friend Mick and says, “I’m sleeping with Jack’s wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after mass?” Mick isn’t thrilled, but being a loyal friend, he agrees. After mass, Mick starts chatting with Jack, asking the most random, pointless questions just to stall him. Eventually, Jack gets annoyed and says, “Alright, Mick, what’s going on?” Feeling guilty, Mick blurts out, “Paddy’s with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.” Jack smiles, puts a hand on Mick’s shoulder, and says, “You’d better hurry home, mate… My wife died a year ago.”

An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’ The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week. The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’ The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’

The King’s Dying Wish Long ago, when ping pong balls were rare and precious, a dying king summoned his three sons. The King was a table tennis fanatic. He said " My dying wish is for you to bring me ping pong balls." The eldest returned a week later with a treasure chest full of them. The king was pleased. The second returned a month later with a whole boxcar of them. The king was overjoyed. Two years passed before the youngest staggered in, battered and worn, carrying only a bulging handkerchief. The king opened it, recoiled, and shouted, “What are these bloody hairy things?!” The prince bowed. “Just as you commanded, Father… King Kong’s balls.”

Husband to wife: "What would you if I won in the lottery?" Wife: "I'll take half and leave you " Husband: "Well, I won $12. Here's six... keep in touch "

I had just made myself a nice cup of tea and sat down when my wife came in, pulled her clothes off and said, "Make love to me right now." So I do her right there on the sofa, having the best sex of my life. After we'd finished, she lay in my arms and said, "Don't forget your cup of tea". "I'll just let it cool down, it's still too hot," I said.

What is a 3 letter word that starts with gas? Car

A young couple are snogging. The young lad asks "Can I have a blow job please?" "No way!" replies his girlfriend. "Why not?" he asks She tells him "You won't respect me afterwards." Three years later they get engaged. After a celebratory meal at a posh restaurant they go back home and he asks "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards." Another three years later they get married. Laid in bed together on their wedding night he asks again "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." she replies "You won't respect me afterwards." Twenty five years later they are sat in bed together. He puts his book onto the bedside cabinet turns to his wife of 25 years and asks "Can I have a blow job please love?" "No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards." He yells back at her. "Look! I've known you for over thirty years! We've been married twenty five years! We've got two kids, one grandson with another on the way. SURELY by now you must realise just how much respect I have for you!" "Oh OK then." she say "I'll give you a blow job" .. and she does. Ten minutes after she is finished the phone rings. Husband turns to his wife and says "Well answer it then you fucking cocksucker."

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.