NSFW Jokes - Eric Zhou

#Do it myself

Yesterday i saw a hot prostitute, stopped the car and asked: "How much for a handjob?" She said: "30 dollars, do you want one?" Me: "Nope, i was just curious how much i save when i do it myself."

A woman asked the pharmacist where the XXXL condoms were. He showed her the shelf where they were. 1/2 hour later he noticed her still standing there looking at them and asked if she needing help. She replied ‘No I’m just waiting for a guy to buy some’.

Man walks into a pharmacy, and asks for condoms. The woman behind the counter asks, "What size?" He says, "I don't know." "We'll have to measure you then? My assistant here will take you into the private room here and size you up." He'd never heard of anything like this, but the comely assistant leads him into the side room. She shouts out, "Mily, make it a small." "No wait, make it a medium." "Wait, Mily, it's a large" "Mily, can you bring the mop?"

#Pizza

Sex is like pizza When it's good it's very good. When it's bad it beats going to bed hungry.

If I don't get it within 30 minutes I should get it for free.
It's weird to do it with pineapple.
there's always some cheese stuck to the box
I don't really know what "Chicago-style" is and I'm afraid to find out.
If I have to make a reservation for it then it's way too big a deal for a guy like me.
It would be easier to enjoy if there weren't so many kids around.
Some people like a little fishy taste.
Even if it's "old" it's still ok.
It's good even if it's flat
If it's really hot, it can leave scars
Its great the next morning too!
It’s nice with another person, but I prefer it on my own
if you're gonna use barbecue sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing.
Just realized there are a shockingly low number of videos online where a guy shows up at a girls house to deliver sex and they end up baking a pizza together instead.

#Buttcheeks

Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should they be spread apart?
'Crack' them with a hyphen
Cut them some slack - they’ve seen a lot of shit together.
It's Butt:cheeks...separated by a colon.
Buttc heeks. Split right down the middle
No... The word has a-hole in it!

#Vase

I thought you were heading for this one:

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

A woman says to her friend, "Ugh. My husband brought home a dozen roses. I'm going to spend all weekend with my legs in the air." Her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

#Pineapples

the three guys that get shipwrecked on a desert island. They explore a bit and run into a tribe of cannibals. The cannibal leader comes to them and says, “Before we eat you, you have a chance to avoid this fate. You must complete two tasks. The first is to go into the jungle and bring back ten pieces of a single fruit. You have one hour, and each of you must find a different type of fruit. Upon return, I will tell you the second task.” So the guys go out into the jungle. The first one finds limes, and brings back ten of them after about 10 minutes. The cannibal leader tells him, “if you can fit all 10 of these up in your ass at the same time, we will let you join the tribe and not eat you.” The guy manages it, albeit painfully, and so he doesn’t get eaten. The second guy comes back with bananas, and is informed of the up-the-bum-and-no-get-eaten schtick, and he looks solemnly at his bananas. He tries getting them up there but gets stuck after two. As they drag him away to get eaten, he starts laughing really hard. The first guy says, “Jim, what’s so funny! You know they’re about to eat you!” To which Jim replies, “I know, but I saw Larry in the jungle and he was gathering pineapples"

#Deaf wife

An elderly man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I'm here because of my wife. The more time passes, the more deaf she becomes."

"Alright, bring her to the clinic for a check-up."

"No, she doesn't like doctors. I won’t be able to convince her to come."

"Alright, then do this: when you get home, try shouting something to her from a distance, and repeat it while taking one step closer each time. Let me know at what distance she starts hearing you."

The man goes home, and as soon as he enters, he shouts: "Darling, what's for dinner?" No response. He takes a step closer and repeats. Nothing. He repeats this five times, until he walks into the kitchen.

"Darling, what's for dinner?" "Roast chicken, you idiot. How many times do I have to tell you?"

Asked why they have 11 kids, the father replied, “It’s because my wife is deaf” He went on, “When I join her in bed at night, I say, “Do you wanna sleep, or what?” — and she always says, “What?”...

#Glad I eat her(Gladiator)

What do you call a Roman with a pubic hair in his mouth ? Gladiator

What do you call a Roman Catholic with a pubic hair in his mouth? Not a Priest, they prefer partners who still haven't grown them yet

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

#A stud

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still thinks I'm a stud Sometimes I'll walk by and hear her whisper to herself "what a dick"

When I was in high school the girls really liked my butt. When I walked by they would say “ What an ass.”

My wife thinks I'm a sex machine. Just the other day she called me a fucking tool.

After 20 years my wife and I had oral sex only...as we passed each other in the hallway, we'd say f*ck you to each other.

#Turn off the lights

I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!"

As soon as I did, she screamed!

I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

Well that gives me a bright idea

A lightbulb? That’s good sized ass.

#Deaf and Sign

My girlfriend was deaf and she cheated on me with one of her classmates at their school for the deaf. I should have seen the signs.

-Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? -So she could moan with the other.

#Attack from the rear

A military soldier was given 3 days leave to go and enjoy with his newly wed wife.... On arriving home he realised that his wife was in her monthly periods. So he sent an SOS to HQ, requesting for extension of his leave, in a usual military coded language. He wrote:

'Omega one, this is Omega twelve. Danger from the field. Red in front. Leave extension requested. Do you read me. Red in front, Passage not clear, extend leave.'

Headquarters replied: 'This is Omega one, we read you loud and clear. The danger is minimal. Attack from the rear and resume immediately. Leave extension denied'

#Do it myself

#XXXXL