Dad Jokes
Talking Dog
A man is walking through a small town when he sees a sign in front of a house that reads: "Talking Dog for Sale – $10."
Intrigued, he knocks on the door, and the homeowner invites him in. Sitting in the living room is a dog lounging on the couch, looking remarkably ordinary. The man raises an eyebrow.
"You’re telling me this dog can talk?" he asks. "See for yourself," the owner replies, gesturing toward the dog. Skeptical, the man sits down and asks, "So, what’s your story, dog?" The dog stretches, yawns, and then begins to speak in perfect English.
"Well, where to begin? I discovered I could talk when I was just a pup. The government got wind of my talent and recruited me for top-secret missions. I’ve traveled all over the world. I’ve spied on foreign dignitaries, gathered intelligence that’s saved countless lives, and even played a part in brokering peace treaties. After retiring from the spy game, I worked as a therapy dog, bringing joy to children in hospitals and soldiers in recovery centers. Now, I’m just enjoying my golden years, taking it easy."
The man is dumbfounded. This dog has done more in one lifetime than most humans could ever dream of. He turns to the owner.
"This is incredible! Why are you selling him for only $10?" The owner sighs and leans closer. "Because he’s a bloody liar."
The dog is lying again.
So I bought the dog. First weekend, I took it to my local pub. Bartender said, “sorry, no dogs allowed.” I said, “But this is a special dog. This dog can talk.” “Fuck off. Leave,” replied the bartender.
“I’ll bet anyone in the bar this dog can talk,” I shouted. “Please leave now.” Indignant, I shouted, “I’ll give anyone 2/1 odds my dog can talk!” Everyone in the bar laughed. Several guys placed their bets.
“Ok, you stupid dog, talk!” The dog replied, “woof woof!”
The entire bar laughed at me, as I paid off $2,000 Furious, I grabbed my dog and left the bar. As we were walking home, the dog was smiling and laughing. “Why the fuck are you so happy? “I asked. “You just cost me $2,000.” The dog replied, “Because if we go back tomorrow and make the same bet, can you imagine what odds they will give us!”
Flower
Today is 30 December and my girlfriend sent me the following message: "Just letting you know now, i want flowers on Valentine's day."
I replied: "Well, you should plant them now..."
My wife complained that I don't buy her flowers. I didn't know she sells them. Flowers for women are like BJ for men , Ideal for last minute gift.
New Year's Adam
- December 30 has officially been designated as New Year’s Adam.
- It comes before New Year’s Eve, a disappointment she’s all too familiar with.
- What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect? He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
- About time he got a ribbing.
- A funny detail in the Bible is that the whole story with the apple takes place like a few hours after Eve was created. Imagine having you and all of your descendants eternally punished for something you did when you were only 3 hours old.
New Years Even
Not to brag But I have enough money to last me to the end of the year I was young and poor but after years of hard work I’m no longer young
Snail
A snail walks into a bar and says: Walks into a bar -Can I get a whiskey and coke?
- I'm sorry, but we don't serve snails.
The bartender took the snail and threw her out the door.
A week later, this snail comes in again and says:
-Why da fuck did you do that?!
Why do the French like to eat snails? They can’t stand fast food.
A guy is sitting in his house when the doorbell rings. He answers the door but doesn't see anyone, so he goes back to watching TV. A minute later the doorbell rings again, again nobody. A third time, he sees a snail looking up at him. He thinks that's weird, but just in case, he take the snail and throws it over the fence into his neighbor's yard. Two years later, he's sitting watching TV again and his doorbell rings. He goes out and sees the snail again, and the snail says, "What the fuck was that for?".
Chinese Thing with Needles
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles. You know...heroin.
I tried to write a story with a strong female lead character, but I just couldn’t get past the writer’s block.
That’s when I knew I had a heroine problem.
Fun fact: Heroin was actually a pharmaceutical drug developed by Bayer, Germany, at roughly the same time as Aspirin.
Fission ships
What is a sailor’s favorite meal aboard a nuclear powered aircraft carrier? Fission ships.
EXTRA
A man walks into the doctors office, and says...
"DOCTOR, I NEED YOUR HELP. MY VOICE IS SO LOUD AND DEEP THAT IT FRIGHTENS AWAY EVERY WOMAN I TRY TO TALK TO. CAN YOU HELP ME?" The doctor performs a full physical on him and orders a series of tests, MRIs, bloodwork, EKGs, and so on. When all the test results come back, he calls the man back into the office and tells him, "I have determined that the length and weight of your penis is affecting your nervous system in a way that a great deal of pressure is on your vocal cords. The only way to fix the problem is to to remove 10 cm, about 4 inches, from right near the base."
The man is a little dejected, but he says,
"I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING. I'M JUST TIRED OF BEING ALONE." They schedule the surgery and the man mentally prepares himself for his future. After 14 hours on the table, the operation is a success. The nurses care for him while he recovers, and he is amazed at his new voice.
Finally, after three weeks, the doctor comes in to check on him. The man says, "Doctor, I can't believe the difference! The nurses aren't afraid of me, and I can speak without my entire head vibrating from the volume. You're a genius and I can't thank you enough! But I have to ask, what did you do with the rest of my penis?"
The doctor looked at him, smiled, and said,
"I HAD TO THROW IT AWAY."
Redneck Murder
Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? There are no dental records. All the DNA is the same.
Otoh, if they say the murderer was either the father, the husband, the brother or the uncle - it’s just one person to investigate.
Counting
Girlfriends Before Marriage ? A woman asks her husband, “Did you have girlfriends before we got together?”
The man sits for a few minutes with his eyes closed. “She says, “Well, are you going to tell me?”
“Yes. Just hold on—I’m counting.”
As Jimmy Carr said, “So I told her chronologically about my list of girlfriends, up to being with her. And that’s where I should have stopped!”
Boy Ant
How to tell the gender of ants? Put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl. It is float, it's buoyant.
Liar and Atom
How is a compulsive liar like an atom? They both make up everything.
Never felt better in your life
A farmer was heading to town in his horse drawn wagon when a car veered over and hit him head on. The car's driver was found at fault but their insurance company wouldn't compensate the farmer for his injuries, pain, and suffering. The farmer sued and while on the witness stand, the defense attorney asked him, "After the accident and you were sitting on the pavement didn't you tell the Highway Patrol officer that you 'Never felt better in your life'?" The farmer replied "Yes, I did." The attorney then responded, "So you said were feeling fine then but you are here before the court claiming compensation. Why do you think that it's fair considering what you said to the officer?" "Well, after the accident, the officer came upon the scene and saw that my horse had two broken legs and he was in great distress so he pulled out his gun and shot him dead. He then came closer and saw my dog was run over and was howling and also in pain. The officer then shot my dog. After that, with the gun still in his hand, he approached me and then he asked me how I was doing."
Not a bitter
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
7 kids
Husband says to his wife, “honey, our 7th child doesn’t look like any of the other kids. Does he have a different father?” She answered, “yes he does “. The husband then asked, “okay, who’s the father?” She said, “you “
It's funny because you expect that the 7th kid has a different father instead of the husband but it turns out that the 7th kid is the only kid where the husband is the father. If you aren't understanding, the wife cheated for the other 6 kids, not the last one. You would initially think it's the other way around, but that isn't the case in this particular scenario.
Push up Bottom
I got a new stick deodorant. The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom.” I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely!
I was an alpha tester for this, I ended up being branded public enema number one.
Start a flood
A lawyer and an engineer were on a cruise. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down. All my possessions were destroyed in the fire, but the insurance company paid for everything."
The engineer replied, "That's funny. I'm here because my house and everything I own was destroyed in a flood, and the insurance paid for everything."
The lawyer paused for a second, confused, then said, "How do you start a flood?"
Tomorrow
Related joke: Two businessmen meet on the street.
The one says to the other, "My friend, you have my sympathies for your shop burning down yesterday."
The other hurriedly shushes him and says "Not yesterday, you fool, tomorrow."
That Little Poo-poo
A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?
What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people.
It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes,
but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little poo-poo sitting on your lap."
Memorized all the state capitals
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes, so one evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.
iPhone for dummies
When my mom got her first smartphone she bought the book "iPhone for dummies" She has an android phone.
With all due respect, she’s clearly the book’s target audience.
An Android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.
iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.
Hare/Hair
Two men talking, first man says to the other, “you’re going bald so stick these rabbits to your head.” The second man asks why. The first man says… “From a distance they’ll look like hares.”
This must be where the man bun originated.