Bus Driver
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
A keeper
This girl I've been dating just got a job at the zoo and I'm going to propose to her. After all, she's a keeper..
Sounds good. Shes already used to dumb animals and taking shit...
Men point it out
Studies have shown that women who gain seven or more pounds over the holidays have a longer life expectancy… …than the men who point it out.
C'mon. Only amateurs gain weight during the holidays
Those of us professionals gain weight during the entire year.
The phone rings and the wife answers.
A pervert breathing heavily says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" The wife replies, “Yes I do, he's watching TV... who shall I say is calling?"
Speaking of tight asses:
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in.
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!
Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
Blessing a new car
A man was very fond of his new Corvette so he invited a rabbi, a priest and a minister to come and bless it.
The priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin. The pastor invoked the name of God and led everyone in silent prayer as the Rabbi chanted a blessing and cut off the tip of the car’s tailpipe
Too compatible
The woman decided to divorce her husband and hired a lawyer specializing in divorces. The lawyer asked her: "So, what is the reason for your decision?" She replied: "We're too compatible."
The lawyer: "Don't you mean 'too incompatible'?
She: No, we're really too compatible. I love going to the cinema, he likes going to the cinema too. I like going to Indian restaurants, he loves Indian food. We both like hiking in the middle of nature. We both like to practice yoga. We both have the same religious and political preferences... but above all, we both love men.
Nudist Beach
Would you consider attending a wedding at a nudist beach? Well my wife won’t. She says that she doesn’t have anything nice to take off…
The luckiest man
My ex wants told me she wants to get back together again. I have to be the luckiest man in the world. First I win the lottery and now this.
Sign language
What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
Heaven or Hell
A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
The old lady standing behind him at the gates of heaven said she can confirm his story.
Duck opening a bottle
A bear asks a duck for help opening a wine bottle.
The duck pulls down it’s pants.(TIL that ducks have corkscrew-shaped dicks.)
Prostate exam
What do you say to break the silence at a prostate exam? Be honest with me Doc, is that your wedding ring or your Rolex? My doctor must have been impressed, I heard him tell the nurse "what an asshole."
Went in for a prostate exam, my doc told me "It's perfectly normal to get an erection and even achieve orgasm during the exam" and I said "Okay but I really wish you hadn't"
Blow my mind
Many women say that men only think with their penises Well I have a message for all those women - feel free to blow my mind!
Perfect boyfriend
I thought that my wife would feel flattered that I’ve only had sex with 2 other women besides her But listing all 3 and naming her in the middle was probably not a great idea
My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with. Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.
I thought that my wife would feel flattered that I’ve only had sex with 2 other women besides her But listing all 3 and naming her in the middle was probably not a great idea
My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with. Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.
Neutered pet
A lonely widow was going through things in her attic one night when she found an old lamp her husband brought home from his service in the Middle East.
Her heart skipped a beat. "I wonder if it's true?"
she pondered and began excitedly rubbing the lamp. As expected, a genie came forth and offered her three wishes.
"But I warn you, like all things in life, the wishes cannot be undone!" he proclaimed ominously. "Do you understand?"
"I understand," she replied.
"You may proceed."
The widow looked at her arthritic hands and touched them gently to her face. "Well, for starters, I would like you to make me young and beautiful," she said.
"It is done!" proclaimed the genie. And it was done.
The young woman looked again and again at her beautiful hands, and then her face in a mirror. "Oh this is so wonderful," she exclaimed!
Then looking about the dingy attic she said, "And I would like to live in a beautiful mansion!"
"It is done!" proclaimed the genie. And it was done.
The young woman ran from room to room, floor to floor, followed by her now bewildered cat Henry.
"But it is so large, I fear it will be even more lonely than before without my dear husband!" she lamented.
"For my last wish, will you turn my Henry into a muscular and vigorous young man?"
"It is done!" proclaimed the genie, vanishing into the lamp again. And it was done.
Henry scooped the young woman up in his arms, brought her face to his, and whispered,
Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?
Wong VS wrong
A married Asian woman had a secret affair and got pregnant. When the baby was born, it was Caucasian. Suspicious, her father-in-law remarks... "Two Wongs don't make a white."
Win VS Nguyen
Same thing happened to a Vietnamese family. It doesn’t matter. That child deserves to be loved.
A Nguyen is a Nguyen.
Piece and Quite
A man sits down at a bar looking dejected. The bartender asks,"is everything alright?" The man replies," No, I got in a fight with my wife and she said she won't speak to me for a month." "Maybe that's a good thing", replied the bartender, "a bit of piece and quite." "Yeah", the man replies, " Today is the last day."
Quicker
Things you can say while parking the car that you can also say in the bedroom.
Honestly it will be quicker if you just get out and let me do it by myself.
That asshole won't let me in!
Get a load of this guy
A man at the sperm bank is complaining that he’s having trouble. The manager looks at his coworker and says “get a load of this guy.”
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup ...
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
What can and can't say
In communist China, government tell you what can and can't say. In capitalist America, government decide what corporation tell you what you can and can't say.
Both systems have their unique challenges when it comes to freedom of expression. In communist China, the government has direct control over what can be said, which limits individual freedom in a more explicit way. In capitalist America, while there is more freedom of speech on the surface, large corporations hold significant influence over what is communicated, especially through media and social platforms.
Shocked
People are usually shocked when they find out
I’m not a good electrician.